Hossein's room

Toronto, ON M6S 1A2

For those with attention span of a T scroll, and those who don’t pick up on jokes, here’s a summary of the ad. Just don’t complain later that you missed the best parts 🤝

1. Looking for a female roommate to move in ASAP. The bathroom is shared with one other female roommate.
2. Ideally looking for working professional around my age.
3. The rent doesn’t cover anything fancy! You’ll need first, last, and a $500 deposit to get in on this party.
4. The annoying property manager says you’ve gotta commit to at least a year, no sneaking out after a month! However, if you’re cool with sacrificing a bit of comfort, we might be able to work out a shorter stay. Let’s chat about it!
5. You can peace out at the start of any month you want, just give me a two month heads up. No boring contracts, just a receipt for payment if you think I’m gonna ghost you.
6. The room comes fully furnished, so no need to bring your budget friendly IKEA stuff 😝.
7. Parking is like a rare Pokémon around here, but might be available for about $200-250 a month if you’re lucky.
8. You gotta be a 100% non-smoker, and honestly it’d be better if you’re not running a zoo at home either. Outside smokers don’t count either.
9. Don’t forget to drop your profile that recruiters love and another that hosts/travellers trust (Roomies remove the names 🥴) when you hit me up. Gotta do my detective work before we sign up for this roomie adventure 😈.
10. Your name can’t be Geneviève or Danny Just kidding… unless you’re actually one of them. (ｏ・・)ノ”(ノ<、)

Hello long form content lover, proud T avoider, and appreciator of a good sense of humour!

Hope you’re doing great!

If you’ve made it this far, congrats! Now, let’s dive in! I already know who’s here! A lazy butt who thinks renting a place and furnishing it is too much effort? No worries, we’ve got you covered!(￣▽￣)

I’m thrilled to announce that I’m on the hunt for other roomie ASAP. And before the neighbourhood detectives ask why, my previous roomie was consistently very late with rent and had no clue how to share a place with others. So, we decided it was best for her to move out.

I’ll start with my bio, and if I haven’t scared you away yet, I’d love to hear yours too 👻

1. 35, male, omnivore, non smoker, and social drinker. You may find my life boring, which in that case I would respect your opinion. You know, not everyone spends their weekends doing cocaine, if not heroin ┐(￣ヘ￣)┌.
2. I like to think of myself as environmentally conscious, though I guess you could call me a hypocrite since I drive a gas SUV and eat meat like it’s going out of style. I do try to carpool when I can, and I’m all about using fewer paper towels. Oh, and I’m pretty good at separating my recycling and compost.
3. Moved to Canada in 2016 and spent the first five years in Quebec. Got my master’s in mechanical engineering at Concordia in Montreal, because who doesn’t love solving problems with a side of boring poutine? (Kidding… kind of.). Do I speak French? Non malheureusement! I studied French for a few months and I found it harder than quantum physics 🥴
4. Worked as a project manager for a company in Quebec, even though most of the business was in Ontario. Yep, you guessed it, I traveled a ton at the company’s expense Muhahaha! Back then, the minimum tip was 20%, and I felt like a real big shot leaving that tip. These days it feels more like paying a subscription fee than a choice! Then I felt it was time for a new adventure, so I quit the job and packed up for Toronto! Worked as a project engineer for another company, and now I’m mostly remote with my current gig. Living the dream in sweatpants! Danny was the guy in my first job whom I couldn’t get along with. Classic case of oil and water, you know? As a basic matter of courtesy and a solid acknowledgment of how unfortunate it was that I had to work with Danny, I expect your response to include a strong condemnation of him, and a confirmation of no affiliation whatsoever with Danny. (⌒_⌒;) I work from home until noon, then usually head to Starbucks to work from there in the afternoons. I’m proud to say I’m a Starbucks Reserve member or as they put it, among their top 5% of members, or as I prefer to put it, unlike you 95% peasants 😌.
5. I’ve lived with about 30 roommates from all over the world: Canada, India, Iran, France, Germany, USA, Canada-Costa Rica, Japan, Brazil, Italy, Hong Kong-Canada-South Korea, Pakistan, Colombia, and Russia. Still missing living with someone from Norfolk Island, but wait! Still not ready to live with a penguin recovering from Trump’s tariffs. I was inches away from forming a Word Cup tournament with 32 teams, until the corrupted FIFA and the greedy Gianni Infantino increased the number of teams to 48 🫠.I’ve lived with a couple, and twice with gay roomies. Still missing a lesbian to complete the collection! Geneviève was the miserable roomie I had in Montreal (＞﹏＜). If your name is Geneviève and you still decide to reply to the ad, it’s basically like you’re trying to convince me you’re an honest politician or a virgin hooker, nice try 😉.
6. 🎉 (Not the short-term fun you’re used to, addict! Just talking about hobbies here): After work, I pretty much just lie on the couch reading Trump’s The Art of the Deal. And yep, my debts have been stacking up (╥_╥) Okay, getting a bit serious now. I’m into hiking and grabbed a national park annual pass in September, only to find out there aren’t many parks near Toronto. Classic. I love hitting up Cineplex for movie nights with friends and even organize the events myself! For The Odyssey movie, there were 20 of us! I’m also all about the spa life, especially Scandinave Blue Mountain Spa (pure bliss). Road trips are my jam. Did over 10 just in 2023, so unless you’ve got some hidden gems, I’m pretty sure I’ve hit all the drivable spots. In 2025 I road tripped the east coast when I drove 11,183 km in 26 days! And of course, I can’t forget about dining out with friends, especially at restaurants serving Mediterranean and Middle Eastern cuisine. Because who doesn’t love some hummus with their life?
7. Perks of living with me:

7.1. I’m known as a pro deal hunter, and my roommates always end up saving a lot from my finds. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if Shoppers Drug Mart issued a worldwide warrant on me for the way I stack deals. Ask me how I get La Roche-Posay sunscreen for about $20, my Rogers phone plan with 100GB for just $11, or IMAX movie tickets on weekends for only $12.

7.2. I got a car and a Costco membership and don’t mind sharing my drive to the stores with my roomie.

7.3. Have a group of friends that I hang out with for movies, restaurant, Sunday brunch, picnic, etc. You’re more than welcome to join us. We can of course peacefully coexist like two pandas sharing the same habitat without socializing.

About the building:

1. It’s located on Lakeshore Blvd, just below High Park. Prime location for lakeside vibes and people watching.
2. On the 5th floor, there’s a huge terrace with a bench and BBQ grill for the whole building. On the same floor, inside the building you’ll find a gym, pool table, and ping pong table. Basically, all the essentials for pretending you’re active without actually going outside.
3. There’s no locker in the building. You might find other tenants willing to rent out their parking spot for around $200-250 a month.
4. TTC is just a few minutes walk away, and it’s only 7 km or a 10-minute drive to the CN Tower if there’s no traffic, which let’s be real, almost never happens. Unless, you’re a vampire out on the hunt for fresh blood at 2 AM.

About the apartment:

1. It’s on the 4th floor with loads of natural light and a beautiful view of the lake. From this speculator view, you’ll normally find people walking their dogs, and indeed some bending down to scoop the poop. Perfect for pretending you’re living the dream.
2. The whole place is furnished (yes, including the room), so you don’t need to worry about that IKEA assembly disaster.
3. The apartment has 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. You’ll share the bathroom with a 33 y/o female worker. No traffics in the mornings for the bathroom.
4. The rooms come fully furnished with non-IKEA queen/double beds, desk, and drawer, because who needs those DIY nightmares when you’ve got actual furniture?
5. We’ve got an automatic espresso machine, and we could share the coffee beans, unless you’re one of those rare unicorns who wakes up fully functional and ready to conquer the world, while the rest of us are just trying to find our dignity in the bottom of a coffee mug. I mean if you don’t drink coffee.
6. The apartment also has a washer and dryer, so you won’t have to deal with laundromats and that awkward moment when you lie to the homeless person asking for change, claiming you’re totally broke while secretly stacking up quarters for your laundry. No shame, right?
7. Now, the fine print: Nothing is included in the rent. Internet is $55/month, hydro runs between $60-$140/month (higher in summer, lower in winter), and tenant insurance is about $35/month. Common stuff like bathroom paper, dish soap, water filter, etc. will be shared.
8. There are two Google Nests in the apartment: the first one controls the living room and the first bedroom, and the second one controls the middle room and mine. House norms:

About you (hopefully):

1. A professional female worker. We’re both in our 30s and happily graduated from the era of 2 am assignment panic.
2. Absolute non smoker, and hopefully someone who enjoys petting other people’s pets without committing to owning one.
3. If you work from home, you understand that headphones exist and you don’t hold Zoom meetings on speaker while walking through the entire apartment like you’re negotiating world peace. You have a comfy desk and chair in your room.
4. Hands, face, and teeth, all of that should be washed or brushed in the bathroom sink, not the kitchen sink. The kitchen sink is for food, not for your daily hygiene routine. And just to make things clear: I’ve added a little something to the kitchen faucet so that if you try mixing toothpaste or face wash with it, you’ll be spending more time on the toilet than you bargained for. Constipation isn’t the vibe we’re going for, trust me (｡•́︿•̀｡). Stick to the bathroom sink, and we’ll all be good.
5. You will do your best to ensure I’m always comfortable in the apartment, that II never run out of groceries, my clothes are perfectly washed and ironed, and my car is free of dust and dirt……. Of course I’m kidding! I’m already so disappointed by seeing your boring inquiries like “is it still available?”, “Is there a parking?”, “what is the average speed of the boats sailing on the lake in knots?” etc. In fact, I wouldn’t even be surprised if I walked into the bathroom after you and find out you forgot to flush. I’m not expecting you to do me any favours, just do your stuff and it’ll be much appreciated! (¬_¬ ). If your entire reply to this ad is just “Is it still available?”, I’ll make a small donation to Trump’s campaign under your full legal name 🥲.
6. You wash your dishes shortly after using them. Why? Because psychologists have found that a clean kitchen reduces your stress, improves your mental well being, and strengthens your interpersonal relationships. ……. Yes, like I give a sht about your emotional growth! (^.^*) Of all the things I care about the least, your emotional growth ranks somewhere between a free Nokia 3310 charger and sending Bitcoin to some sketchy guy from a convenience store who claims to be from the CRA 😆. The real reason? It’s a shared space. That’s as deep as this gets.
7. Credit report, first & last month’s rent & deposit, and a letter of employment are required. So, if you shovel elephant sht at a circus, you better bring a letter from the ringmaster himself confirming that you’re officially employed in that glamorous role (/_＼)

If you’re still reading this, you must have a screw loose, LOL! Kidding! You’re doing awesome! Keep going, you’re so close to the end!

I’m left with no choice but to judge you based on your response and profiles. I mean, what else am I supposed to do? 😜 I’m just trying to avoid becoming the inspiration for another Netflix true crime documentary titled The Roommates. So, if you don’t get a response (especially if you see the ad gets bumped up after you reply), please don’t take it personally! It’s not you, it’s just that we might not be the perfect match for living together. Toronto is a huge city, keep checking out other ads, and I’m sure you’ll find a cozy spot that’s a better fit.