JEFF

Tired of roommates who think “clean” is a suggestion and “rent due” is a philosophical concept? Do you yearn for a cohabitant who brings more to the table than just their dirty dishes?

Well, look no further, because I, a seasoned 50-year-old transportation industry professional (and former sales exec, logistics wizard, prison guard, chef, stand-up comedian, teacher, and bouncer), am gracing the Toronto rental market with my presence. That’s right, I’ve had more careers than most people have socks, and I’ve collected stories from Uganda, Nunavut, the US, and all corners of Canada that will make your jaw drop (and probably your sides ache from laughter).

But wait, there’s more! While I hold down a totally normal day job, by night I’m a costumed superhero. No, I won’t tell you my secret identity, but rest assured, your apartment will be the safest (and most ironically humorous) on the block.

Why choose me as your next roommate? Let me count the ways:

• Experience: I’ve seen it all, from the high-stakes world of logistics to the even higher stakes world of stand-up comedy and crime-fighting. Your petty roommate squabbles won’t even register on my radar.

• Traveler Extraordinaire: My life’s been a global adventure, so you’ll never run out of fascinating (and probably slightly embellished) tales to liven up your evenings.

• Responsible & Reliable: Despite the superhero antics, I’m more responsible than your average adult. Think of me as a particularly organized, chill (like a reptile in Canadian winter), and undeniably funny human.

• Social Chameleon: Equally comfortable as the life of the party, leading a rousing game of euchre, or quietly contemplating strategy while reading The Art of War in my room. I respect a good balance of social interaction and personal space.

The Best of the Best (of the Stuff):

• Behold, the fanciest SodaStream known to humankind. Prepare for bubbles, glorious bubbles!

• A Vitamix. If you know, you know. Smoothies, soups, and the occasional attempt at making nut butter – it’s all happening.

• Amazon Vine Voice: Prepare for a steady stream of intriguing (and sometimes hilariously random) packages. It’s like Christmas, but all year round, and you didn’t even have to buy anything!

• My legendary Italian Sausage Casserole recipe. This alone is worth half the rent.

• A Costco membership. Because who doesn’t need 5 pounds of hummus at a moment’s notice?

• Authentic African wall art. Your bland walls will thank me.

• A rotating cast of eccentric friends. Your social circle is about to get a serious upgrade.

• The “Good Guy” Checklist (and then some): Non-smoker, no pets, and fully supportive of 420, pets, sarcasm, ping-pong, board games, euchre, nerds, D&D, BDSM, and the LGBTQ+ community. Basically, if you’re a decent human being who appreciates a good laugh and an open mind, we’ll get along.

I’m looking for new friends and new roommates, and I’m open to teaming up to find the perfect pad. If this slightly sarcastic, incredibly well-traveled, amenity-rich, secretly heroic, and surprisingly versatile individual sounds like your ideal living companion, then just wait until you meet me in person. The ad only scratches the surface.

Contact me before some other lucky soul snatches up this golden opportunity. Your life (and your apartment’s snack situation, and possibly its safety from minor inconveniences) will never be the same.

If you have a room/apartment, I prefer an unfurnished one, but I can accommodate otherwise.