Jennifer

Recently separated but not feral (you can congratulate me in person). Currently in the ‘selling the house’ phase of my villain origin story, so move date is TBD, hopefully early September-ish? A.K.A. I’m actively looking now to line things up, with an ideal move-in around early September (flexible depending on your space).

Next, I basically run a Disney side-plot. I have:

1. a very large and very good boy named Charlie,

2. a cat named Winston (we usually call him Moo but he answers to both… though “answers” may be too strong a verb), and

3. a parrot named Bean. (yes, the talking kind… no, he doesn’t swear. Yet.).

(PSA: if you’re allergic to fur or feathers, this probably isn’t your dream match… you know, unless you’re trying to build immunity through exposure therapy. Work those histamines, baby.)

The household is pretty quiet overall. Charlie may bark at anything conspicuously dog shaped outside and as such is thwarted from approaching front windows. Bean begins each morning with the word “corn” and keeps his droppings on his puppy pads. The cat… he simply graces us with his presence and the occasional existential aria at sunset.

I am 100% responsible for all their needs, costs, and cleanup… just not their attitudes. The dog cropdusts, the cat thinks he’s a diva, and I’m pretty sure the bird is somewhere on the antisocial spectrum (but that might just be all birds).

What I’m Looking For:

1. A backyard (the bigger, the better… Charlie has dreams and I’ve got an waste scooper)

2. In-unit laundry

3. Good & reliable Wi-Fi (looking at you, TekSavvy)

4. A parking spot (for my vehicle, not my emotional baggage)

Everything else is a bonus. (This is me assuming the water there can’t be worse than here in Casselman, where we have to chew before we swallow and we glow under blacklights.)

It’s a big’ol no to drinking, smoking, and/or drugs on my end, though I am 420-friendly (as long as we leaf it at that, re: ze drugs). You can drink… dats coo… just don’t let the zoo start sneaking shots. Don’t want them to relapse. Also, not ok with any indoor smoking; am just doing my due diligience as my trio’s loyal advocate.

I work full-time from home (for now), doing admin work on a laptop (where would the world be without me?). I don’t watch TV (unless it’s Star Trek. But, no, seriously). I flee the house for a few hours most days for appointments, errands, or fitness (not for nefarious reasons or anything… probably… usually.). No nightlife to speak of… and I like it that way: cheaper, quieter, less exhausting (40 is the new 55, ammi right?).

I’m a vegetarian (not by choice, so you do you, Baconator). I go to Anytime Fitness a few times a week, usually late at night so I can grunt and sweat in peace.

Looking at places near:

• St. Laurent Shopping Centre (Ottawa)

• Moodie Drive (Ottawa)

• Cornwall and surrounding areas

• Anywhere along the 417 between Casselman and Ottawa

• Or, like, maybe New Zealand? (Hey, one can dream. Or maybe that’ll be my back-up plan: mail-order bride for NZ. Note to self, research later.)

Budget:

My preference is “the closer to zero, the better,” but I can go up to $1,250-ish. Maybe more, depending on what you’re offering. Like a space for crafting? Shut up and take my money.

So, $1,250-ish is base rent—utilities on top are fine, just no surprise charges like ‘mandatory strippers and blow’ or ‘emotional support pillow.’

Not furnished is required. The dog is picky. Seriously. He’s got a thing about new surfaces. Hey, we all have our neuroses.

Btw, if you’re the kind of tushie-rentitive person who won’t round $1,298 up to $1,300 or $1,253 down to $1,250, then we’re probably not a match, Chief. Bonuses awarded for reverse harems only.

Totally fine with renting a single room in a house, as long as my posse can roam the common areas like the Serengeti. Of particular importance, I come with:

1. An XLarge bird cage and some perches

2. A couple of dog beds

3. ~ 5 Air purifiers and 3 or 4 gates

“Sweet birdie” also has a bedtime cage intended for my bedroom, an office, or any other quiet-after-7-pm type room. (And I’m only calling him sweet to lull you into a false sense of security.)

I’m open to short-term if it’s 6+ months, just to see if we vibe.

Roomie Etiquette:

Friends over? Cool. S.O.s? Also cool. Live-in situationships who floss in the kitchen? Less cool.

Caveat: Cool with visitors (with enough notice for me to look less gremlin-after-midnight is nice), but for safety reasons, first-time dates or strangers must be vetted off-site. Try a coffee shop, steak house, the void… Let’s keep this house a zone free of ‘he seemed normal on Feeld’ so we don’t become the next Dateline episode, yeah? Go team.

Be clean, tidy, and hygienic. I’m trying to maintain my lifelong “no bed bugs!” streak. Please: no hoarders, slobs, zoombies, politicians, or lawyers (i.e. soul-suckers). Just kidding. Zombies are cool.

I clean up after myself (and the fur/feather mafia). I expect the same unless you’re royalty or a raccoon in disguise.

Chores: I’m not here to chore-chart you into oblivion, but if we’re both pretending the dishes aren’t ours for three days, we may have a problem.

Pet compatibility: You should like pets—or at least tolerate them. Like… “there might be feathers in your cereal” levels of tolerance. Kidding. (Maybe.)

My vibes? I’m friendly (references available) and open to chatting if that’s your jam—but also totally fine with STFU energy. No pressure.

Also, I listen to country music (among other genres)—but I can keep that idiosyncrasy to myself as long as you don’t try to recruit, enlist, induct, or convert me in any way.

DM me with your best pet pun or just a normal message. Either works. No dic pics or I’m signing you up for a goat-phobia support group.

If you’ve read this far, you either have great taste or very few boundaries. Either way, seems like we already have something in common. Look at us go.